Diciembre

You don’t choose who to love.
But you do choose who to leave behind.
And I’ve left you.

I’m not gonna lie and say it’s been easy.
It hasn’t.
My heart has been constantly breaking.
Whenever I think it’s healed, a new crack opens.
And it’s time to start over.
It is like they say… one step forward, two steps back.

It’s been hard. It still is.
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
Because leaving you was not only about us.
It was not just about you.
It was about leaving myself besides you.
It was letting go of my identity, of who I was for many years, and of who I thought I wanted to be.

You don’t choose who to love.
And you don’t choose how much you’ll love them.
Damn… how I loved you!
It was above and beyond.

I know you loved me too.
I could feel it. I still can.
But we didn’t know how to love each other.
We thought we did. We didn’t.
We hurt one another trying to figure out the how.
Mistakes were made.
Words that we can’t take back were said.
Unfair actions turned into regrets.
We damaged it.
Such a shame.

You don’t choose who to love.
But you do choose how to write your story.
And what it is important at the core and what is not.
The negotiable and the deal breaker.

Today, I can rely on my mind. But I cannot.
It plays tricks on me all the time.
I can rely on my heart. But I cannot.
It makes me feel things I don’t want to feel anymore.
However, there’s one I know I can trust: my gut.
It told me before that I should run when it didn’t feel OK.
And I decided to stay.

Well, not anymore.
I’ve learned to listen to it.
And with that, I’ve learned to believe
in
me.